The San Diego Padres' season just might be over.
Actually, it's late May, so the Padres did a bit better this season than then they did in 2013, when their season apparently was over in April. They started the season 5-15. And, as it turned out, their season was indeed over.
This year, the team actually hovered around .500 for a bit before swooning. They are now 23-29 and 9.5 games behind the San Francisco Giants. They are also last in the Majors in a number of key batting statistics. Their team batting average is .223 and they have only scored 165 runs — nearly 100 less than League-leading Colorado.
There is only one hope. The team must incorporate some really radical changes or else the season will be lost.
We have some ideas. Please Padres, consider them:
Have them wear Oakland A's uniforms. They might think they are the Oakland A's.
Sign Sierra Romero of the University of Michigan girls' softball team. She leads college softball with a .487 batting average. (Explanation for Padres players: That's really good.)
You know that person who throws out the ceremonial first pitch? He or she must pitch to the Padres for the actual game.
Hire Padres pitcher Ian Kennedy as batting coach. In just 19 plate appearances, he has a home run and 3 RBIs. (Are they drug testing this dude?)
Explain to the Padres that hitting home runs is a good thing. (It might be a simple case of them not understanding this.)
Hold batting practice at a Little League park to boost confidence. This, of course, has the chance to have the opposite impact if Padres fail to hit home runs in a Little League park.
Spend more money for better players. (This can actually work.)
Batting cages? Sounds too depressing. Call them batting sanctuaries.
Hold a fun and friendly competition. First prize? A Cadillac El Dorado. Second prize? Steak knives. Third prize? You get traded to Cleveland. “Get the picture? You laughing now?” (Our thanks to “Glengarry Glen Ross” for the idea …)